Let it go

Can you believe in less than 1 week we will be ringing in a new year?  2015 was like 1 very long day in some ways... But in other ways it flew by too quickly. 

The first Wednesday of the new year is going to be an incredibly exciting day for me. I will become a Lifetime member of Weight Watchers. My journey on this program is not something I have talked much about on social media because it is MY journey. My first weigh in was on March 5,2015. Afton had just turned 3 months old and I was not losing any baby weight. I was struggling and needed a change. My mom finally convinced my to give the program a try and I can now say it has changed my life. It has been a difficult process. I have had my ups and downs but I have NEVER missed a weigh in since starting this journey. Wednesday will be my 5th weigh in since reaching Goal and at week 6 of maintenance I will be given my Lifetime charm! I am so incredibly excited. As of today I have lost 50.8 lbs!!!!!  I love this program. I tell everyone it's more than just a weight loss program, it's been therapy. Recently the program started focusing more on you as an individual and less on the scale. In our new weigh in booklets it has you write down your "why" for joining WW. I finally feel comfortable sharing my why with the world....  "Why" did I join weight watchers? I NEVER again in my life wanted my weight to define me as a person. 

This picture was taken in September 2008. I had been at my heaviest (213 lbs) for quite some time. I honestly had no idea until this picture was taken that I was so heavy. I remember getting dressed for this family gathering. My sister was leaving for college and we were celebrating my birthday. Behind the smile in this picture was a lot of sadness. My weight was defining my worth as an individual. I was in an abusive marriage and I was told on a regular basis that if I was thinner things would be different. He irony behind that statement was that I was clinically anorexic the day we got married (I weighed 117 lbs).  I began believing that an over weight woman could not be beautiful or sexy or desired. I began turning to food in the winter of 2004 and by the winter of 2005 I had gained about 95 lbs. I could not stop eating. The more I ate the less I felt the sadness and the ugliness that was my life. In February 2009 everything changed. I was freed from the chains that were holding me down and I was on a mission to change. I lost 68 lbs in 7 months. I felt amazing!!!  

I was walking almost every day and I cut my portions in 1/2. Through that weight loss journey I was finding ME!!!!  The person I had lost years before. When Paul and I met in February 2010 I felt like he was getting to know the real me. It was such a blessing. In September 2013 I had a laparoscopy to remove my endometriosis after 3 years of infertility. I immediately began taking Clomid and the worst side affect was the weight gain. I put on almost 15 lbs in 6 months. In early March I was over the moon excited to find out I was pregnant. Over the next 9 months I gained another 47 lbs. I HATED the weight gain. With every pound I put on I felt as though Paul MUST love me a little less and he HAD to find me less attractive. It began messing with my mind and the sadder I felt about myself the more I would eat. I could feel myself slipping into a depression. I hated being pregnant. I hated being sick all the time and I hated being fat... Again. When Afton was born PPD set in and I felt like I was losing myself. I was no longer me. I was now not only a wife but I was a mother and having a newborn meant I had this crying tiny person stuck to me ALL day and ALL night. Thankfully I had a wonderful OBGYN who was incredibly understanding and knew how to help me. 

My first WW meeting was overwhelming. I cried. Not bc I was sad but bc I was doing this for ME!  It has nothing to do with Afton or Paul. I could feel in my bones that this program was going to change me. It has taught me that I have control. I control what I eat (for the most part). I control when I want to be "out of control". I also control my relationships with people. 

You are probably wondering what this story has to do with the tile of my post. Well... My theme for 2016 is "let it go". I am in control of who I let into my life. I'm in control of MY time, I'm in control of what I eat and how I exercise. Everything else that brings me down or makes me sad... I have to "let it go". It's a difficult resolution because it means saying goodbye to people that I have loved dearly for years and years. It means saying goodbye to items that once brought me joy but now bring me sadness from the memories they hold. But... I must "let it go". 

I have a new "why" for WW. It's going to be "I'm doing this program because I am worth it". I'm worth all the good things this life has to offer. I'm worth the blessings that have come into my life. I'm worth everything my future holds. Most importantly though... I'm worth MORE than my past and looking back does nothing but bring memories. 

For all those who have annoyed me with the question "when will you have another child". We would like to have one in about 2- 2 1/2 years. There you go. No need to ask me again. I want time to continue to improve myself mentally. Spiritually and physically. I want to go into my 2nd and last pregnancy with good habits so I can be healthier and have a better pregnancy and post pregnancy experience. 

I love who I have become since March and I look forward to the amazing changes 2016 will bring. 

2014 on rt, 2015 on left. 

EQ

Abundance of gratitude this Christmas!

II am finding myself with a rare quiet moment. Tv is off, Paul had gone to the Police Department to workout for a little while and baby girl is happily being entertained by Grandma Lorraine. 

I have had a lot on my heart the past week as we approach Christmas Day. It has always been my favorite holiday because of the beautiful traditions that filled my childhood at this time every year. 

This past Friday was a spectacular day. Paul and I finally had the opportunity to drive to the Washington DC Temple and do an endowment session. We have had a lot on our hearts and went seeking confirmation regarding a few things we have been rolling around in our heads. What a powerful experience it was. I firmly believe that spirits are around us constantly and from time to time we get a glimpse of their presence. On Friday I could feel my sister Erin. It was a very powerful presence. It was almost as if she needed me to know she was with me at that moment. Although I have never met my sister in this life... I know she was there in the spirit world with me... Preparing me for the life I would be entering into. I'm thankful for that short moment I had with her. 

On December 3, my mom and my niece Lily landed in Charlottesville for Afton's birthday party. At the airport my mom and I witnessed the most beautiful greeting. I was holding Afton, and Lily kept reaching for me from her stroller. In my complete excitement to see my beautiful bestie I handed Afton to my mom and scoped up Lily. I was expecting her to smother me with loves but instead she reached for Afton. Her and Afton embraced!!!  We stood there for probably 5 minutes while these two girls hugged and kissed each other. Precious is not the word that even comes close to what that moment was... It was heavenly. To watch my 1 year old and her 18 month old cousin embrace was enough to melt my heart. People in the airport kept looked at these baby girls in amazement. It's like they have old souls. I know for a fact that these two were kindred spirits before they came to this earth. The girls can be in the worst of moods but when they see each other when we FaceTime they light up and kiss each other through the phone. I feel so strongly that my sister was a mentor for them before their births. These girls are so incredibly loved. I cannot imagine my life without them. I often think about how different Afton and Liky are. Afton was as planned as they come and Lily was as much of a shock as will ever be possible. Afton has blonde  crazy curls with blue eyes and an ivory complexion. Lily has dark straight hair, dark eyes and looks like an islander most of the year. I'm thankful for their differences bc there is no comparing them. The only thing they share are their sassy attitudes!!! I tell EVERYONE Lily is by bestie. She is the best friend I never knew I wanted... Let alone needed. I say she is my number 2 girl!!!!!  It's true. Afton is my daughter so she can't be my bestie 😊. 

I am so in love with these two girls. I'm so thankful that I get to have an eternity with them. My heart could not be fuller this Christmas season. 

I had a feeling of peace leaving the a Temple on Friday. I was given confirmation that Heavenly Father has something wonderful in store for our family. I believe in my heart that 2016 will bring some change. I'm not exactly sure what it is but I am feeling confident it will be wonderful. 

It's because of the birth of our Savior that I can attend the Temple with my eternal companion and receive revaluation for our family. This is the season that we not only celebrate his birth but celebrate all of the miracles in our lives that have come as a result. How blessed are we to have a Savior who was born, lived and died for us INDIVIDUALLY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! 

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. We don't have a huge pile of presents under our tree... We don't even have a tree this year. We have our stockings hung and a few presents for Afton to "open" Christmas morning. Tomorrow I am excited to drive around and see lights. I'm excited to read "'twas the night before Christmas" to the babies over FaceTime and I'm excited to have Paul read the Christmas story from the bible. 

I'm feeling so blessed right now. We are all healthy!  What more could I need?  I cannot believe Paul and I will celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary in approximately 6 months. Amazing!!!!!  

I hope you are all happy and well. Have a very Merry Christmas!!!! 

EQ

Afton is ONE!

Happy December!  What a year it has been.  This past Friday our beautiful little girl turned ONE! I still cannot believe it.  I feel like it was just yesterday that we were bringing this tiny little thing home from the hospital.  I have a lot more pictures coming from her party, but I wanted to post what I have so far.  My dear friend Kelley brought her amazing digital camera with her and captured Afton's party! 

 

I have learned something very important over the past few years.  Don't waste time making something from scratch if you can purchase it for the same cost AND save yourself time and stress!  That is why I always buy cupcakes now from Sams Club.  $15 for 30 cupcakes.  By the time I buy cake mix, eggs, cupcake liners, frosting and then have to take the time to bake them, let them cool, frost them and then decorate them I have officially gone insane and I'm probably worn out, lol.  I purchased the cupcakes with the pink frosting and then I did decorate them myself.  Only negative thing about Sams is they have VERY basic decorations unless you are having a themed party.  I've never been too big on the idea of a themed party so until Afton can stomp her little foot and insist that she wants a specific theme, she is going to have to be ok with something fairly neutral.  I guess if you were going to split hairs, her theme this year was glitter! 

 

Friday was an especially hard day for me.  I simply could not wrap my head around the reality that Afton was 1.  The year had gone by way too fast and it was hitting me like a ton of bricks that the years ahead were not only going to go by quickly, but even faster than the past year.  I'm not ready for that. I had been on edge all day. I had been feeling very rushed.  The reality was I was not at all rushed... but the entire day I could feel my anxiety level going up, up, up, up, up... and then I cracked.  My mom, niece and I had left Afton at home with Paul's parents so Lily could pick out a Birthday present for Afton.  On our way to Target my mom and I started talking about the holidays and some struggles I always have this time of year (another story for another post) and when the tears started they would not stop.  I love my mother... I love everything about her.  I love the way I feel when she hugs me and how soft her hands are.  I love how well she knows me and how she understands me when I don't feel like I understand myself.  As we pulled into the parking lot I could physically feel all of this anxiety and sadness come pouring out of me. Here I was sitting in the drivers seat of my car, my mom was in the seat next to me... through my tears I told my mom that in the blink of an eye Afton would be 32 yrs old and in the drivers seat and I would be the 64 year old sitting in the passenger seat.  She assured me it would not go by quite that fast but then I looked at her and said "yes...it will".  I know in my moms eyes it seems like yesterday she was 32 and bringing me home from the hospital and in the blink of an eye, here we were, sitting in my car, and I was the 32 year old.  I am thankful that my mom just listened.  She simply sat there and heard everything I had to say.  She then made me feel like she understood me.  It felt good to unload this sadness I had been carrying around with me.  That moment,right there,was the reason I needed my mom to fly from Utah for Afton's party! 

 

I had such a wonderful time getting ready for Afton's party!  It was so fun letting my creative juices flow and then watching all of these ideas come together.  Her party was a perfect moment in my life.  The moment Paul and I helped her blow out her candle was PERFECT. I have my perfect family.  I have EVERYTHING I have ever wanted.  Yes her party was a little glitzy and definitely girly but I would not have changed one thing about it.  Yes we bought our daughter little diamond earrings for her 1st birthday but it is exactly what I wanted her to have.  From the day I was diagnosed with Melanoma I have been extremely aware of the reality that my time on this earth could be shorter than I care to even think about.  I think about skin cancer every day of my life.  I hold my daughter and pray that God continues to let me be one of the lucky ones who can say 50 years from now that I have never had that terrible cancer reappear.   BUT, if I am not one of those lucky ones I want Afton to have treasures.  I don't care if she has a million toys or boxes full of stuffed animals or even drawers full of fancy clothes... I want her to have treasures. These little earrings are something she will own (hopefully) for the rest of her life and when the time comes when I am no longer with her she can tell her children or grandchildren "My parents gave me these beautiful little earrings.  I don't own much, but what I do own is precious to me.  They are my treasures.  I tell everyone that Afton was the most planned baby.  Infertility brought us so many sad days and for a long time I was convinced I would never be a mother.  Afton's birthday is a miracle day for me.  As my dear friend Stephanie told me this week on the phone "your life was perfect for that moment!  You had a baby you never imagined you would have".  Saturday was not just a celebration of my child turning one.  It was a celebration of a family I NEVER in my wild dreams imagined I would ever have.

 

Thank you so much Mom for helping me decorate and for being my clean up buddy. 

 

Kelley, thank you for the beautiful pictures you took of my baby girl!

 

Thank you Paul for being such a wonderful dad!  I am so happy you could get a flight home Friday night so you could be there for her big day!  I love you so much and am so happy you were the man standing by my side on Saturday. 

 

Afton, sweet baby girl, Thank you for being my princess. 

 

 

Afton was a little unsure about all the company, lol!  Shockingly she kept her birthday hat on!

Best friends!  Having Lily and Afton together made my heart so so so happy!!!! Our 2 baby Rebeccas! (Liliana Rebecca & Afton Rebecca) PS, my mom, sister and I are obsessed with these two girls matching!

yep... matching! lol

Lily loved Afton's birthday tutu!!!!!  I love this girl!!!!!!!

Kelley Metcalf took the most beautiful pictures of my Princess in her Christmas dress!!!!!!!  I honestly cannot get enough of her beautiful blue eyes!

Our little family has had a hard time shaking this stupid cold the past few weeks so yesterday Afton and I decided to have a PJ day while daddy was working!  Nothing better than PJ's and selfies!!!!!

Afton has 2 top teeth that are just about to come in.  She has been handling it like a champion! She loves to give kisses and she loves to give hugs and pat you on the back.  Her favorite breakfast food is cold oatmeal (yes, strange), she loves mac and cheese for lunch and she is honestly not a big eater at dinner time. We are working on that.  she has lost 0.2 lbs since her 9 month checkup and is now 2 1/2 inches taller!  Dr. Hawkes said she is looking amazing and he is very happy with her progress.  We are so sad that he will be retiring at the end of the month... Have I mentioned how much I hate change!  But I am so happy he will be enjoying retirement and having more time at home with his amazing wife Polly!

I will post again when I get the pictures from Kelley!  I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas with your friends and family!
Love,
EQ