Me: in real life

I’m a police wife. My husband is a motorcycle officer in our county. In his unit he wears many hats. He is a taser instructor, accident reconstructionist (yep, he handles the fatalities for our county), commercial motor vehicle inspector, defensive tactics instructor at the police academy, general instructor at the academy, driving instructor... to name the ones I can remember right now. On top of that... he works all of the UVA football games (escorting the teams and field security), most of the concerts on campus, escorts for anyone who is anyone (president, political leaders, diplomats, celebrities...). 

His hours at 6am - 4pm. 4 days a week. No weekends, no holidays and every other weekend he has Friday- Monday off. And yet, in one month he worked nearly 140 hours of overtime Bc of all the hats he wears. So... yes he works most weekends. But holidays he dedicates to his family. 

My husband is one of the hardest working men I have ever known. He does anything and everything to make sure that our families needs are 100% provided for and I am so thankful for that. Does he like working so many hours? Nope! But he knows everything he is doing now will set us up for a better retirement in the future. Everything he does now is allowing me to stay home with our 2 kids. 

I have no idea what he schedule looks like from week to week (most weeks). It changes constantly and I have had to learn to roll with it.  My life consists of getting the "im going to be late" texts and the midnight phone calls that pull him out of bed to go work a fatal. It’s knowing that a single person fatal can be reconstructed in as little as 4 hours and a double person fatal will take around 6 hours. It’s knowing when his court dates are and that vacations have to be scheduled far enough in advance that he can let the court clerk known to not put him on the docket for a particular week. 

My life revolves around the college football schedule, police motorcycle competitions, 9/11 memorial ride, classes he has to take, classes he has to teach, knowing he may be on call 24 hours a day for 3+ weeks at a time and being thankful every single day that he is not called out in the middle of the night. 

Being a police wife is not what you think it will be when you marry an officer. It is uncharted territory unless you grew up in a police family. I’m a single mom 70% of the time. 

Would I change things?  No!  I am proud of what my husband does for our community. Yes, it’s incredibly difficult a lot of the time... but I’m thankful every single day that I am married to my hero. A police wife is what I am. It’s what I know how to be and I’m proud of the family we are. 

The worst part about being a single mom 70% of the time is that I suffer from severe postpartum depression/anxiety. 

When I was pregnant with Afton, my doctor asked me if I had ever suffered from any sort of domestic violence. I remember looking at him and answering "yes". He did not worry me about it at the time but as my delivery date drew nearer, he warned me that women who have been through the trauma of DV had a 70% higher chance of having PPD than the normal first time mother. I blew it off and knew I would be fine. Man... I was not fine. A week after delivering Afton I was back in my OB’s office, with Paul by my side and sweet Afton in her car seat, in full blown meltdown. I was diagnosed with early onset PPD.  Fast forward about 18 months and I was feeling really good. I was on my A game. I was still on my meds to treat my PPD but I was waking every day and was down to my wedding day weight 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻 and life was great. 

Then June of 2016 came. After 4 months on clomid (it took 6 months of clomid to get pregnant with Afton after having surgery to remove my endometriosis after 3 1/2 years of unexplained infertility) we found out we were expecting baby #2. We were elated. I was traveling to Utah with Afton for a 2 week long vacation and I was on cloud 9. 2 days after arriving in Utah (5 weeks pregnant) I had a miscarriage. I was devastated. I was 3,000 miles away from Paul and we were due to leave for California in a few days. There was literally no time for me to grieve the loss of this baby I had so badly wanted. The entire experience threw me for a loop. Through all of it I still needed to be a mom and I was feeling incredibly alone. I was lost in everything that was going on around me. All I knew how to do was put a smile on my face and keep trucking. 2 months later we found out we were pregnant again. I was in total shock when we found out we were having a boy. 

Levis delivery day came and I was elated that I was no longer pregnant!!!!  Labor and delivery was honestly a breeze. I was built to push a baby out lol. I pushed for a little over an hour with Levi (better than the 2 1/2 hours with Afton!). He popped out and I was so in love. He didn’t cry much and apparently that caught the attention of our nurse Bc she scooped him up and took him to the baby station to check his vitals. I remember looking over and they had a little oxygen mask on him and they were wiggling his arm to try to stimulate him. He was a limp noodle. Panic set in when they called for another nurse to come into the room. It was a blessing from God Bc the nurse that arrived was a dear friend of ours from church. I had been on a medication for my PPD throughout my pregnancy with Levi and it had been forgotten during my delivery. My delivery doctor asked me in the middle of the panic "you were on Zoloft throughout your pregnancy, right?" And I said "yes!"  He notified the nurses and then calmly looked at me and said "he is a Zoloft baby, he will be 100% ok!".  I thought I was watching my baby boy die and it terrified me. Even to this day I have terrifying thoughts about something tragic happening to him. It took him 3 days to finally perk up enough to cry more than a couple times a day. 

6 weeks after Levi was born I felt as though my life was falling out from under me. I started having terrible insomnia and night time panic attacks. I wanted to hold Levi all the time. It actually made me frustrated when others wanted to take him from me. I felt overly possessive. 

By the time he was 6 months old my patience was shot. I was losing my temper and it terrified me. I felt angry and sad and isolated. I called Paul at work one afternoon in a complete meltdown and told him we needed to move into our own apartment or buy a house. We were living in his parents basement at the time and had been there for about a year and I needed more space. I felt like the walls were closing in on me and I could not breath.

In December I found myself in my family doctors office. I was at an all time low. I did not known what to do. I felt like I was going crazy. Felt as though the smallest thing was going to break me. My doctor and I spent an hour talking and brainstorming. We decided to change my anti depressant and my anxiety medication. It was the first time that I left my doctors office with his cell phone number in my hand and him telling me "I feel like we have a plan in place but it’s not a stable plan". I was told to cancel all of my upcoming travel plans and to stay where I could seek help close to home if needed. 

We celebrated Levis 1st birthday still living in the basement. BUT, we were in the middle of watching our home being built. I knew that as soon as I had my own home again and my own space, I would feel the clouds lift. I was totally wrong. 

We moved into our beautiful new home in July. We got settled and immediately started potty training Afton... again (round 3 ding ding). Paul was leaving for NYC for 4 days and potty training was a nightmare. We (somehow) survived those 4 days with Paul in NYC. By the time Paul got home,things were not good. I did not know if I was coming or going. I felt as though my brain was in total overload and I could feel my body shutting down. I remember laying in the bath tub and thinking to myself "if only my tub was deeper... I could just sink to the bottom". I knew that my kids deserved a mom who was mentally capable of being there for them 100%. Not 50% on a good day. I wanted to get in my car and drive away. Drive to the beach and sit in silence. Listen to the waves. I never really felt the desire to harm myself. It was a strong urge to no exist. I’d lay in bed and pray that god would just take me. 

Now it’s the end of October. My good days are becoming more and more. I still have really hard, dark days. But I have a good psychologist and a good doctor and good meds. I have a good husband that does his best to be my support even though I know he has no idea how to help me. I have 2 beautiful babies who are 1000% forgiving and love me unconditionally. 

Why am I talking about this?  Bc this past week I found out that a friend who I have known for years and who I have always put a pedestal as a mother who is perfect and I should be more like has been suffering from sever PPD. I was in shock. Women think they are the only one suffering. It’s a very lonely disease. It’s taboo to talk about and yet, if we would simply open up,we could be a huge support to other mothers around us. 

I’ve had many people ask about us having more kids. The answer I give: "we feel complete with the 2 we have!"  The real answer: "my GP and OB have both said they fear I would not survive another baby if my PPD got worse after a 3rd delivery". So...we are done. I have come to terms with the reality of my situation and I am at peace. 

PPD is real. To those who have never suffered from it, it’s hard to understand. To those who do suffer, it’s your own hell.  I want women to know that there is no shame in admitting you are more than sad. No shame at all. 

How does weight watchers play a role in all of this. This is how I lost all of my baby weight after having Afton. I rocked the program my 1st time around. I lost nearly 60 lbs and I was feeling confident and under control. After having Levi I tried twice to re commit myself to the program but I could not get my head in the game. I had nothing to give and the idea of the program threw me into a total state of fear and panic. 

Today I signed up for the 4th time. I’m nervous and anxious and excited. I known the program works. I love the meetings and having the support of so many other women. I know I can be successful this time around.

There are things in life you can control. There are things in life you cannot. What I eat is one that I can control. 

I’m posting this to keep myself accountable!  Once it’s out there for the world to see, I have a hard time letting myself fail... especially when I have watched myself be so successful before. Cute clothes of mine that are boxed up and in the attic... give me 6 months and then I’m coming for you! 

EQ

Lots to catch up on!

Since I have almost months to catch up on, I’ve posted pictures of all of our major events!  I’ll write about each photo collage!  It’s been SO SO BUSY!!!

Easter weekend, my sister and her two littles came to visit. The kids had a great time together. I drove Emily to see the shell of our new home and we really enjoyed putting the girls Easter baskets together. The boys were both still so little, we focused mainly on the little girls. Afton was so excited about the Easter bunny coming to visit. Emily’s trip was only about 3 1/2 days long but it was the first time I met Carter. He was precious!

In March 2017 paul was dispatched to a call at 6 am. Literally the moment he marked on for the day. He arrived and the car was on fire and the woman inside was trapped. After several unsuccessful attempts to remove her from the car, he was finally able to pull her to safety. Moments later the car was engulfed in flames. Paul was awarded the Medal of Valor for his amazing work. I really enjoyed attending the award ceremony banquet with him. It was a proud police wife moment. 

Middle of May, I was taking the kids to a local show store to buy Afton a pair of church shoes. She needed them and Pauls uncles funeral was that evening so I decided it was a good time to go shoe shopping. As we left the shoe store, I reached for Afton and rolled my right foot. I felt a pop and knew I had broken my foot. I hobbles to the weight watchers building a few doors up from the shoe store and THANKFULLY they were in the middle of a meeting. Rosie, the reception asked what she could do to help. Her husband is a retired motor officer from California so she asked if she should call 911. I said no and took off my shoe to see the damage. My foot throbbed. It didn’t look very swollen or bruised so we all assumed it was a bad sprain. I tried to call Paul but he did not answer. That means he is either in court or on his motor. I knew it was not his court date. I tried several times with no answer. Finally I called 911 and asked the dispatcher to please dispatch my husband to the weight watchers location at the Rio Hill shopping center. SO....yes, my request was dispatched to the city, county and UVA officers. The dispatcher said “AP48, you need to call your wife” Paul was confused and asked him to repeat. He said “you need to call mrs. Quillon”. Paul called me immediately and I told him I thought I had broken my foot. Long story short, he parked his motor next to my van, loaded me and the kids up, took me to urgent care and dropped me off, took the kids to his parents,  hanged clothes and came to urgent care. After x rays, it was determined that my foot was in fact broken. Yippy!  I went to the funera ok critches, with a crappy temporary cast and loopy from pain pills. It was ridiculous. 

LEVI TURNED ONE!!!!!! On May 24 my little man turned one!!!  I could not believe it. I still cannot believe it. We had a wonderful day celebrating him and his first year. We had lots of friends and family over to enjoy the day with us. He is now a few weeks away from being 18 months old and he started nursery at church today. It pulled on my heart strings for sure. He is growing up way too fast!

Over the summer I celebrated melanoma awareness month (August). I had my yearly skin check done in September and my dermatologist is thrilled with how my skin is looking. 

I loved spending a lot of time with the kids outside in their kiddy pool. 

I also spent a lot of time being amazed by how well my daith piercing has been working. My migraines have been cut by about 75% and it’s been wonderful. The headaches I get now are mainly tension headaches. 

I was the crazy mom who actually took my kids to the Pay Your Age at Bild A Bear a few months ago. Thankfully I’m 100% ocd so we were there at 8 am and ended up being about 30th in like. The kids had a blast. I had friends who spent 4 hours in line. Neither of my kids could have survived 4 hours in line. The mall was 100% insane. 

We went to Missouri in July to visit my family and for my moms side of the families reunion. Afton got her first taste of Vivianos spaghetti and I enjoyed every bite of my pasta. It’s a restaurant/ grocery store that I miss living so close to. She loved it. And so did paul. 

It was so fun to spend an afternoon in Nauvoo with Paul and the kids and to stand where Paul and I got engaged almost 9 years ago. 

Top right picture is of my kids and my dear friend Elizabeth’s kids. We have been friends for years and I LOVED my time with her!!!!!  Cannot wait to see them again in the spring. 

We had a wonderful time dressing up the girls for pictures with on Lily’s birthday. The girls are 5 months apart and lily is a full head taller. The girls looked beautiful. Hard to believe lily turned 4. 

We moved into our house the middle of July. Sometimes I still sit here in and cannot believe we had our little dream house built and now live in it. Harder to believe we have we have been here almost 3 months. Only 29 years 9 months until it’s paid off 😂😂😂

In August, Levi has surgery on his stomach. He had a track running from his belly button to his bladder and it was causing a granuloma to not heal. After 6 failed rounds of silver nitrate, we knew it was more than just a stubborn granuloma. Doctor Gander did a great job and his billy button is healing up nicer. We were told it could take 6-12 months for it to fully heal. It’s funny Bc it’s still a little bruised. He also had a hernia removed. Hopefully we won’t have any more major doctor bills for a little while. They have both cost us a pretty penny. But well worth it. 

In August, while Paul was in NYC, I tackled potty training. It was a NIGHTMARE and yes... Afton punched me in the face during one particularly hard day.  We are still having some bowel issues but I’d say she is about 90% potty trained. Most mornings she wakes up dry and at nap time she stays dry. We do let her sleep on a pull up at nap and bed times. 

The motorcycle that Paul signed that was designed by the 9/11 Foundation has officially been inducted into the 9/11 museum at ground zero. 

Just a few things I have done around the house. I’ll have to take more photos and upload them soon. 

Pauls police chief nominated him for a state life  saving award. Paul was 1 of 23 officers to be given this award this year. It was prevented to him by his chief in front of the county board of supervisors. 

I started an at home preschool program with Afton. It’s a Book of Mormon based preschool and we are really having fun with learning and spending some one on one time together. Bc of her birthday being in December she will not start kindergarten until August 2020. 

We bought out Christmas ornaments for our tree. The horse is Levis. Ballerina is Aftons. Snowflake is mine and Pauls and the bell is also Aftons. We need to find Levi one more small ornament. We are so excited to put up our new tree. We finally bought a new tree last year and I’m so anxious to set it up!  

Halloween was a blast. Afton was a witch for the 3rd year in a row and Levi was a skeleton. We went door to door for about an hour and then both of the kids were ready to come home. They both got a lot of candy and had a great time. We loved the fact that it was probably 65 outside when we left the house. It was simply peefect!

I’ll try to not let another 7 months go by before I post again. We have a busy November. My dad is coming to visit a few days after thanksgiving and then my mom flies in for a couple weeks. While my dad is here we are actually renovating our master closet and laundry room. Our builder installed wire shelving and I HATE THEM!!!!!  

I hope this update finds everyone well. So thankful the holiday season is finally upon us. Afton Mountain looks beautiful right now and that’s a lot coming from me lol. 

EQ