Funerals give perspective

Today I attended the funeral of a lovely woman in our church congregation. She was a vibrant 43 year old who left behind 3 young children and a husband she dearly loved.  Throughout the funeral my mind drifted to family.  I often wonder what people would say at my funeral if my ticket was called and I was taken from this earth. What stories would they tell, what words will I have left behind that impacted someone in a positive way. Would there be people attending my funeral simply because we knew each other or were related and yet did not have a relationship worth mentioning?  Would people be whispering amongst themselves about “that time Liz...” and it not be a positive story.  After my melanoma diagnosis several years ago, the idea death is something that is closer to the front of my brain than the back. More in the sense of... are my affairs in order, are my wishes known.... that sort of stuff. But, today I wondered if my relationships are in order. And the answer to that question is no. I tend to keep to myself when I’m in most public setting (shocking to some). I compare myself to everyone and find that I fall short compared to those around me. Because of the introvert side of me, I am reluctant to make and nurture friendships the way I should. I know a lot of that has come from moving so much. I’m so used to saying goodbye to those I have become close to that the idea of forming relationships that could be temporary seems pointless at this stage in my life. That mindset is wrong on my part and I apologize for that. I’ve been so blessed to meet so many wonderful people and I’m even more blessed to have some of these people be my very best friends to this day. Even if we do not live in the same state and only see each other every 5+ years.  Recently I have watched relationships around my deteriorate. They are falling apart because some refuse to let go of hurt feelings, lack of communication, “pot stirring”, unnecessary jabs... the list could go on and on. What is sad to me is that, in the past, I have contributed to the deterioration of some of these relationships and I am ashamed of myself for my part that I have played.  I have had a difficult time coming up with my 2018 personal resolution. Today I sat in church, watched a family mourn the loss of a dear woman who they loved so very much, and I told myself that I was no longer going to play a part in furthering the gap between family members. What does this mean?  I do not want to be on the giving or receiving end of gossip. I am FAR from perfect and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I have been the topic of a lot of gossip throughout the years. I don’t want or need to know the details of other people’s drama and I have no desire to share personal information that I have learned regarding others. If you have something negative to say about a friend or family member, please move the conversation along to someone else.  Why the drastic change you may be asking yourself???  Because I lay awake at night being sad about family dynamics. I have always had dreams since I was a little girl about a big family thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. Where you pull out the holiday dishes and you put on a nice outfit and everyone comes together in peace and harmony. We laugh, tell stories and make memories. This past Thanksgiving Day I sat in a recliner eating a waffle. Yep, a waffle. The year before that was spent at a restaurant.  My dreams of huge family holiday dinners may never happen... but with my children, beautiful memories will be made. But most of all, for my children, I want to teach them kindness. I want them to know that the members of your family are the ones we will bunk with on our cloud in the next life. Family should be the glue that holds everything together when times get tough. Family should be a give and take relationship.  Several years ago I had a conversation with a member of my family. It was a very difficult moment and I was told “you can’t expect family members to just sit around and hold hands”. My response was “well no, that is stupid! But you should be able to expect a little kumbaya”. My point was that even without perfection being the expectation, family should be able to come together in harmony. In love. In peace.  There is a quote that I love from one of my favorite movies, Did You Hear about the Morgan’s.  ”You should expect everything from each other. Marriage don’t make any sense. You gotta stop thinking about it, get over the bullshit and make it work.” This quote applies so beautifully to family. Not just marriage. There comes a time when you have to let everything go. Stop the whispering, the jabbing, the gossiping.... the hurt, and allow yourself to enjoy the way God intended families to be.  Relationships are hard. Rarely do you see 100% eye to eye with those you come in contact with. I’ve had my fare share of moments when my foot has ended up in my mouth or my mouth opened before my brain had a chance to tell it to stay shut. But there will come a day when we will stand before our maker and when we review the life we have lived, will we be proud or embarrassed?   EQ