Letting go

https://youtu.be/Y106mukKlMU

Take a minute to watch the video that I linked above. 

Letting go has always been a difficult task to undertake. I have moved 20+ times over the past 33 (as of Thursday) years. If you have been uprooted that many times, you understand when I say I have a habit of hanging on to a few things that remind me of places that I have called "home". I have a clothes pin doll that my mom kept on a shelf in our living room when we lived in Wisconsin. It now resides on the bookshelf in Afton's bedroom. I have the cedar jewelry box my dad made for my mom years ago that she moved from place to place and always kept on her dresser. I have a picture that my brother sent me for my 17th birthday of the San Francisco skyline and it has hung on a wall in every place I have lived since that birthday. I don't own much... But the things I do own have a lot of value. These are things I will never let go of. 

With that said, with every move and every major change in my life, I have had to let go of something. During my divorce I let go of a lot. I let go of friendships that were the center of my life. I let go of pictures, Christmas decoration, clothes, furniture and years of memories. In order to move forward in a positive direction, those things needed to be let go of. 

Letting go has and will always give me huge anxiety. What if I make the wrong decision? 

Several months ago I made an extremely difficult decision to let go of a friendship that meant a lot to me. This was the friend I called every single day. We would solve all of our problems together. We talked about babies and our husbands and what our hopes and dreams were for the future. Unfortunately, mixed into the wonderfulness that was our friendship, there were conversations about our church and the way we raise our children and our role as women in our homes that were extremely dark and unsettling. For months I would think about the things she would tell me and I often found myself on the phone with my mom, picking apart the most recent "what???" Conversation.... And at the end of every chat with my mom or with Paul, I always had the same impression... "Let go of the friendship". I prayed that her feelings on certain topics would change...but they not only didn't change, they became more and more bizarre. Finally the day came when I knew what I needed to do and I let go of that friendship. I can honestly say I have felt a huge void since that day. I know that I made the right decision but I had always justified my friendship with her by saying "a friend that makes me uncomfortable is better than no friend". Unfortunately that was not the case. It has been a difficult void to fill. 

In 2010 I married my sweet husband. I left Missouri and relocated to Virginia. I'll never forget a few weeks after our wedding, Paul had returned to work and I went for a walk around our neighborhood. I called my mom in tears and expressed how unhappy I was in Virginia (regardless of how incredibly happy I was being a newlywed). Virginia was so different than anything I had known. I'm a Midwestern girl. I love the mixture of green and wide open spaces. I have always felt very claustrophobic in Virginia. Soon after our wedding, Paul and I began talking about the idea of

moving out west when he retired. That conversation soon turned to "if we want to do it in 30 years, why not now?"  All of a sudden our plans for the future changed and I was overjoyed at the idea of leaving Virginia and once again enjoying open spaces!  Over the past 6 years, we have flown Paul out west several times for interviews and every single time, it did not work out. Throughout the process of trying to relocate our family, I watched my sister graduate from college and accept a job in Utah. I then watched my mom retire from teaching in Missouri and relocate to Utah. I was witnessing my dreams come to pass in other people's lives. I took it as a sign though that we were destined to be out there. We were both sure of it... And yet, every time we tried, the answer was no. 

You are probably wondering what this has to do with "letting go"...  Well, over the past year, I have been holding onto this dream. I see my mom, sister and niece living so damn far away and it makes me physically ill at times. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for understanding and have yet to feel like my prayers are being heard. I see the beautiful relationship that my daughter has with my mom and it breaks my heart to know my mom will not be there for all of Afton's concerts, sporting events, etc. and it makes me extremely angry that I am so limited in how often I will see Lily. 

I have come to realize that I will be on VA until I die or until Jesus comes... Whichever comes first. With that realization comes the unfortunate reality that I have to let go of this dream that I have been so tightly holding onto of moving to Utah and being within a reasonable driving distance of the women who are so important to me. I HAVE to let go of that dream and begin focusing on establishing roots in VA.  I have felt extremely alone over the past year. My life as a SAH mom consists of keeping my soon to be toddler alive & housework... Wash, rinse, repeat... I have never been one to beg someone to be my friend and bc of that I have very few friends. I have watched myself slip into a terrible funk and as I have watched this dream of ours slip further and further away, I have become more and more angry. I have been angry with myself and angry with God. 

The video I posted gave me a little piece of hope. I can no longer live in this constant sadness, I cannot mourn over the fact that my favorite people live so far away. It's amazing how depression can affect your day to day life. At night I battle insomnia (12:45 am right now), during the day I am so exhausted I cannot function. My mind feels so cluttered with anger and destructive thoughts, I have been having bad chest pains and I feel like I have 1 leg stuck to the floor and I do nothing but walk in a circle. 

I'm thankful for FaceTime. I'm thankful I get to "see" my family as often as I want. I'm thankful half of my family is within a 1 day drive and the other half is a 1/2 day flight away. 

I was recently counseled that sometimes you need to go through life having blind faith.... So, that's what I'm doing. I'm going through life with blind faith that we are in VA for some reason and that I will be able to fill the voids that I currently have in my life. I KNOW that God loves me... Even if I don't always feel it and I KNOW I am blessed to have a husband who loves me and who truly looks forward to coming home every day to Afton and me. 

Moving on (it will be a slow process) and letting go (no matter how angry it makes me). 

EQ

This beautiful life that I can call MINE!!!

I feel terrible that I have not posted an update in a LONG time!  So much has been happening this summer.  I'm having to split our summer up into several blogs b/c no one wants to read a ridiculously long post, lol.  So... here we go!

Afton will be 20 months old tomorrow!!! I cannot believe it.  She is SOOOO fun!  I truly believe she is the coolest tiny person!  Here is a little bit about Afton right now. 

Loves: apples, bananas, mac and cheese, hot dogs, nuggets, cantaloupe, milk, caf free diet coke, pb&j.  

Hates: green beans, juice, ketchup... ok... most foods in general

She loves to jump and spin in a circle until she falls over.  She climbs on EVERYTHING, she loves to facetime with my mom, sister and niece, she has found a love for the words "mom, momma, mommy", she loves bath time, she sleeps about 12 hours a night, her hair is still incredibly curly and i love love love it! She has started nursery at church.  She loves being in the pool.  She is not a fan of being confined to a stroller.  She finds it funny when she screams at the top of her lungs while I am on the phone in the car.  She is NOT a morning person.  She sings all the time.  Every time she sees police lights she thinks it's daddy, lol.  Every morning she gets out of her crib and immediately finds Harley to give him a hug and a kiss.  

This little girl is crazy fast and all I can do is laugh when she takes off running and her curls are bouncing behind her!   

July 9th was Paul and my 6th wedding anniversary.  Its crazy to think we have been married for 6 years already.  This past year has been an interesting year for us.  We spent the majority of the past year living with Paul's parents.  During that time we did a lot of soul searching as to where we wanted to raise our family and to finally call home.  Paul interviewed with our "dream department" this past February in Idaho and it was a total bust.  The interview went really well and they really liked him... but for whatever reason, they did not feel like Paul would be happy spending the rest of his career with their department.  There are so many things Paul would have to give up to go to another department.  2 of the biggest changes would be that he would have to come off of the motor and start from square one with seniority.  He would also have to give up teaching.  He loves teaching at the academy and this department would not offer him the chance to continue teaching.  I remember when Paul called me after that interview.  I felt like I had been hit by a semi.  For years, we have both felt that we were to relocate our family out West.  We have prayed about it and taken it to the Temple and BOTH felt the confirmation that we were making the right decision. For whatever reason, Heavenly Father has plans for us in VA.  It may simply be that we live in a time when Police are being targeted and we have agreed that we feel fairly safe in his current PD.  Over the past few years, we have traveled for several job interviews and each time we feel the same way... "this is not the place" but this last interview was different.  We felt great about it but we were told in other ways that "this is not the place".  It was a heart breaking moment for both of us.  It left us feeling very confused and I felt very abandoned by our Heavenly Father.  We came home to VA with the feeling of "what next???".  Well, we have decided that our job search is over and that the time has come to plant some roots here in VA.  Albemarle County is incredibly expensive, so we have decided to look at houses in Augusta County this upcoming winter/spring.  The lease on our apartment is up the end of April and we would really like to start putting money into a home instead of rent.  We miss owning our own home and our goal is to have a home paid off by the time Paul retires.  

This past year has given Paul and I a chance to grow closer together as a couple and I look forward to the next year of our marriage.  

Afton is growing and changing every single day.  She is constantly learning something new and it amazes me how quickly she picks up on my day to day tasks.  Something she really enjoys doing is dusting.  I told my mom the other night that I fear Afton is going to be a little OCD.  She is going to have a post it note addiction just like my dad and she is going to be a clean freak!  I wont lie, I will never deter my child from dusting.  She can dust all day long if that's what makes her happy!  The other day we were in a department store and she was begging for a baby wipe. Paul finally gave her one and she walked around wiping down the tiles on the floor, ha ha.  What a nut!  A little over a week ago she decided she would unplug our freezer.... as you can see in the picture above, everything in the freezer thawed and had to be throw out!  Sigh.  You live and you learn!  Thank goodness Sams is not too far away!

Afton finds it funny that she can "sneak" snacks into our shopping cart by putting them on the bottom shelf of the cart.  She wanted all of the cookies from Target, lol.  

Recently she has loved the smell of Paul's shirts.  She will find one in the laundry or pull one out of his drawer and walk around smelling it.  If I try to take it from her, she fusses until I give it back.  I remember being really little and sleeping in my dad's t shirts when he would go out of town on business.  I hope Afton finds the same sense of comfort sleeping in Paul's t shirts as she gets older. 

Dad gave me a new fitbit for my birthday this year!  I lost mine while we were moving in April and I needed a kick in the pants to start walking again.  Dad thought this would do the trick!  Thanks Dad!!!!  You are the BEST!  

Afton has figured out the art of dressing herself.  It may not make sense to me, but she things she is pretty fancy!  She loves to find her swimming suits and put them on like a cape and walk around.  Silly girl...

No matter what we told her, we could not convince her that she was too little to go to the Police Academy.  She put on her daddy's boots and tried to tell us that she was big and ready to go!  She could not be any sweeter.  

I took her to a splash pad a couple weeks ago and she had a great time!  I'm thankful our community is so child friendly.  Especially on extremely hot days!!!!!

Afton and I went to Utah a few weeks ago and spent 1 week of our vacation in California with the other Stone girls.  I snapped this picture of Afton holding my fingers.... I am so lucky to have the love of such an amazing little girl.  She trusts me with her life and I would give mine for her.  I look at her and still cannot believe she is mine. I remember before I got pregnant.... I told Heavenly Father all the time "If you give me just 1 baby, I will feel complete".  That is exactly how I feel.  Paul and I would love 1 more baby now that Afton is a little older... but... if we are never blessed with a 2nd, I truly feel 100% complete.  A 2nd baby would be an incredible bonus to an already perfect little family!

OH MY GOSH I LOVE THIS MAN!  I do not know how I got so lucky to be his wife. Paul is honestly one of the kindest men I have ever known.  He would do anything for me and he would do anything for Afton.  He loves spending time with us and he is so happy when he comes home from work and watches Afton run to him when she sees him.  I love being married to this handsome fella!!!!  

I swear I could take pictures of this little girl all day long.  She is so fun and I adore catching the different parts of her personality.  I cannot believe she will be 20 months old tomorrow. She will be 2 before I know it.  I need to go ahead and stock up on the klenex b/c I know that will be a day full of smiles and tears!  

I hope everyone is having a fantastic summer!  It's been so hot in VA and I'm sure it's the same all over the country.  

EQ

Happy Birthday Liliana Rebecca

HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY LILIANA REBECCA STONE!

How do I put into words my feelings for this little girl?  Looking at these pictures makes me emotional.  I tell everyone that Lily is the blessing I never knew I needed.  I'll never forget the day Lily was born.  She was due July 1st and I kept telling Emily I did not want to share my anniversary... so she HAD to have this baby before midnight on July 8th.  The days crept by and still no baby.  Lily joined out family at 11:51 PM on July 8.  That's right...9 minutes shy of my anniversary.  She came into this world with more skin than she knew what to do with.  She looked like a beautiful little old person!!!  Oh my gosh she was so sweet.  She has ALWAYS been so patient with her surroundings.  She is extremely sassy and knows exactly how to demand attention.  While I was in Utah a few weeks ago, we decided she was destined to be the Speaker of the House!  She is such a little mommy.  She loves to hold Aftons hand and lead her around.  She loves to give hugs and kisses.  I cannot get enough of this little girl.  One of the sweetest moments of my life was the day Lily called me "Sissy" while we were facetiming.  When she was born, my sister kept referring to me as Sissy.  I finally looked at Emily and said "You know I'm her Aunt, not her sister?".  We both laughed about it and I have been Auntie Sissy ever since.  Lily is my baby bestie.  I tell her all the time that she is going to tell me all of her secrets when she is older.  I hate living so far away from this beautiful little girl... but I am so thankful I get to see her almost on a daily basis b/c of modern technology.  

Lily, You are a little diamond in this world.  Your circumstances are not ideal but you are so incredibly loved.  I hope you know that Mommy, Grammy and I will always fight for your best interest.  We will always give you advice that will help you stay on the straight and narrow.  I promise to always protect your heart if and when possible.  Lily, you remind me every single day that beautiful blessings can come from not so beautiful experiences.  You are going to do amazing things in this world.  You are so smart.  You are incredibly sure of yourself.  You are very sensitive of your surroundings and you know when you are surrounded by those who love you.  I watch your relationship with Afton develop and I cannot wait to see what trouble you two cause together when you are older.  Heaven help us when you two become teenagers.  You two have a special bond and I hope you always remember that you are kindred spirits.  You two love each other unlike anything I have ever seen.  I pray that you and Afton are always best friends.  Lily, I love you sweet girl.  I am so thankful for you!  Happy 2nd birthday nugget.  You are growing up way too fast!

Love,

Auntie Sissy