The first Wednesday of the new year is going to be an incredibly exciting day for me. I will become a Lifetime member of Weight Watchers. My journey on this program is not something I have talked much about on social media because it is MY journey. My first weigh in was on March 5,2015. Afton had just turned 3 months old and I was not losing any baby weight. I was struggling and needed a change. My mom finally convinced my to give the program a try and I can now say it has changed my life. It has been a difficult process. I have had my ups and downs but I have NEVER missed a weigh in since starting this journey. Wednesday will be my 5th weigh in since reaching Goal and at week 6 of maintenance I will be given my Lifetime charm! I am so incredibly excited. As of today I have lost 50.8 lbs!!!!! I love this program. I tell everyone it's more than just a weight loss program, it's been therapy. Recently the program started focusing more on you as an individual and less on the scale. In our new weigh in booklets it has you write down your "why" for joining WW. I finally feel comfortable sharing my why with the world.... "Why" did I join weight watchers? I NEVER again in my life wanted my weight to define me as a person.
This picture was taken in September 2008. I had been at my heaviest (213 lbs) for quite some time. I honestly had no idea until this picture was taken that I was so heavy. I remember getting dressed for this family gathering. My sister was leaving for college and we were celebrating my birthday. Behind the smile in this picture was a lot of sadness. My weight was defining my worth as an individual. I was in an abusive marriage and I was told on a regular basis that if I was thinner things would be different. He irony behind that statement was that I was clinically anorexic the day we got married (I weighed 117 lbs). I began believing that an over weight woman could not be beautiful or sexy or desired. I began turning to food in the winter of 2004 and by the winter of 2005 I had gained about 95 lbs. I could not stop eating. The more I ate the less I felt the sadness and the ugliness that was my life. In February 2009 everything changed. I was freed from the chains that were holding me down and I was on a mission to change. I lost 68 lbs in 7 months. I felt amazing!!!
I was walking almost every day and I cut my portions in 1/2. Through that weight loss journey I was finding ME!!!! The person I had lost years before. When Paul and I met in February 2010 I felt like he was getting to know the real me. It was such a blessing. In September 2013 I had a laparoscopy to remove my endometriosis after 3 years of infertility. I immediately began taking Clomid and the worst side affect was the weight gain. I put on almost 15 lbs in 6 months. In early March I was over the moon excited to find out I was pregnant. Over the next 9 months I gained another 47 lbs. I HATED the weight gain. With every pound I put on I felt as though Paul MUST love me a little less and he HAD to find me less attractive. It began messing with my mind and the sadder I felt about myself the more I would eat. I could feel myself slipping into a depression. I hated being pregnant. I hated being sick all the time and I hated being fat... Again. When Afton was born PPD set in and I felt like I was losing myself. I was no longer me. I was now not only a wife but I was a mother and having a newborn meant I had this crying tiny person stuck to me ALL day and ALL night. Thankfully I had a wonderful OBGYN who was incredibly understanding and knew how to help me.
My first WW meeting was overwhelming. I cried. Not bc I was sad but bc I was doing this for ME! It has nothing to do with Afton or Paul. I could feel in my bones that this program was going to change me. It has taught me that I have control. I control what I eat (for the most part). I control when I want to be "out of control". I also control my relationships with people.
You are probably wondering what this story has to do with the tile of my post. Well... My theme for 2016 is "let it go". I am in control of who I let into my life. I'm in control of MY time, I'm in control of what I eat and how I exercise. Everything else that brings me down or makes me sad... I have to "let it go". It's a difficult resolution because it means saying goodbye to people that I have loved dearly for years and years. It means saying goodbye to items that once brought me joy but now bring me sadness from the memories they hold. But... I must "let it go".
I have a new "why" for WW. It's going to be "I'm doing this program because I am worth it". I'm worth all the good things this life has to offer. I'm worth the blessings that have come into my life. I'm worth everything my future holds. Most importantly though... I'm worth MORE than my past and looking back does nothing but bring memories.
For all those who have annoyed me with the question "when will you have another child". We would like to have one in about 2- 2 1/2 years. There you go. No need to ask me again. I want time to continue to improve myself mentally. Spiritually and physically. I want to go into my 2nd and last pregnancy with good habits so I can be healthier and have a better pregnancy and post pregnancy experience.
I love who I have become since March and I look forward to the amazing changes 2016 will bring.
2014 on rt, 2015 on left.
EQ
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