HAPPY HOLIDAYS! There.... is that an appropriate opener? lol
Like I said above, I started writing these yearly letters 11 years ago. Why is this letter so late? I'll just come out and say it. It's been a hard year. I won't go into all of the intimate details of why this year has felt like a total suck fest, but I'll give the cliff notes version. Since January 1 we have been dealing with major water issues in the crawl space of our brand new home. We moved in 16 months ago and water started coming into our crawl space 3 weeks after we moved in. So, for 16 months this has been a major headache. And to add insult to injury... our builder has been HORRIBLE in every way, shape and form. Over the past few months we have tossed back and forth the idea of taking him to court. We had a real estate attorney look over our contract and we do have grounds to take him to court... but we, to my surprise, don't have a money tree growing in our back yard. In fact, we don't have any trees. So... After a lot of thought, prayer, fasting and hours (literally) on the phone with my oldest brother, Adam, we have come to the conclusion that we can do the work ourselves and will take our builder to small claims court once the work is finished and attempt to get some of our money back... key up the eye rolling. So, that's that for now.
We also began the year having to take our son, Levi, to multiple audiologists and an ENT. On April 5 he went in for a sedated hearing test and had tubes placed. He failed 3 hearing tests but passed the sedated hearing test with flying colors and has "perfect" hearing. You may be wondering why we have questioned his hearing. He is currently 2 1/2 and is vocalizing 4 words. He has a LOT of non verbal communication and can sign a few words. We have a WONDERFUL Speech and Language Pathologist working with him weekly and we have finally ruled out Autism and are most likely looking at a diagnosis of Apraxia. If you dont know what Apraxia is, its pretty much where your brain and oral muscles dont communicate and therefore it makes it very difficult for some littles to form words. Levi says: momma, dadda, pop pop, maw maw, uh-oh. So we have 5 words, not 4, lol. Some may be gasping at the idea that a 2 1/2 year old has such a limited vocabulary... but 12 months ago he was not even pointing at anything he wanted. He would not grunt or fuss. We knew what his needs were and they were all met. He had zero communication. NOW he is signing for more and milk. He will grab my hand and take me to the room where he has a need and he will point at what he wants. He says uh-uh for no.. so 6 words!!! lol. He is so smart and has the motor skills of a child twice his age. His SLP is amazed by his non verbal skills and his desire to learn. It's been painfully slow and we have to be incredibly patient. Some day we will have a talker. Levi's situation has been incredibly heavy on my heart and, as a mom, I have had a terrible time feeling as though I have somehow failed him.
On March 23 I had a Radical Hysterectomy. February 2018 I had an ablation so we knew at that time that we were 100% done having children. But having a hysterectomy was a completely different feeling. I was so excited going into surgery. I was excited to know that the horrible problems I had been having pre surgery would finally be over. I had to spend 1 night in the hospital post surgery and Paul had to be at home with the kids. I was in so much pain and on top of it all, it hit me like a ton of bricks that we were DEFINITELY done having kids. My doctor told me that I may have that feeling, even though I had already had an ablation, because I was so young and this was such a major surgery. I came home on March 24 and on March 25 my sister called me to tell me that a dear friend of ours had committed suicide. Denny was not just a childhood friend. We adored Denny. Denny was there for me during my parents divorce and he was such a rock in my life. He was the first person to propose to me. I still have the ring. He gave me a simple gold band and said that if we were 35 and not married, we would marry each other and he would constantly remind me that I deserved the best man God could give me. He died when we were 35. Since March 25 I have been angry with Denny, sympathetic to what he was dealing with mentally. But mostly I was jealous that he did something I had thought about for such a long time. I was stunned that Denny was gone. Ive never cried so hard or so much in my life. Denny left behind 2 little girls and an amazing wife. Denny saved my life that day. I looked at my 2 little ones and my husband and I felt so angry with myself that I had ever considered suicide the answer to my sadness. Denny is not here. But because of Denny and for Denny, I choose to be here for my husband and my 2 kids.
You may be thinking "this is NOT a Thanksgiving Day letter". It's not starting off that way. But because of the horrible trials I have faced over this past year, I have been forced to ponder and reflect on my life, my blessings. The hidden tender mercies. The things that other people would kill to have in their lives... and I have them.
I have 2 wonderful kids. My son has perfect hearing. My daughter is in a wonderful preschool and is thriving. She is learning and growing and is definitely not a toddler any longer. I've been able to watch her grow for 5 amazing years. My son is learning something new each week. They may seem tiny to most people... but to me, they bring tears to my eyes because at one point, we had no idea if his future held regard ANY verbal communication.
Levi has the very best SLP. She is kind and patient. She has been there for me as much as she has been there for Levi. She cheers me on and gives me confidence that I can go the distance, whatever comes of his testing when he turns 3 for possible Apraxia.
I am thankful for my WONDERFUL doctors that I have had for the past several years. My OB-GYN who sits down and listens at every appointment. The doctor who knew how to best help me. My GP who has been such a blessing over the past year 18 months. Willing to run labs to check hormones, we've been through the ringer together trying different medications and finding the right ones that have helped me become the best version of myself. Doctors who want to sit and talk through life and make sure that I am where I need to be before I leave their offices. PS. and an amazing dentist who didn't laugh at me when he realized my fear of dentists IS as severe as I tried telling him it was before my 1st visit and didn't sound judgmental when he asked his dental assistant to "increase the nitrous" haha.
I have a beautiful home that keeps us warm in the winter and cool in the summer. It's the cutest 1300 sq feet I've ever seen. I was able to design my own house. AND because of my brothers 20 something years of experience in the construction industry, we know, with confidence, that we can solve the problems that we have on our own. I do not have the anxiety anymore that the quotes gave me when we had other contractors come out to look at what it would cost to do the repairs if we hired outside help. Paul has wonderful friends that are willing to lend us equipment and man power.
I have learned this year that I have to be thankful every single day that I am here with my family. 11 years ago my life was very different. Unfortunately, the PTSD, anxiety and postpartum depression are the consequence of domestic violence that I experienced.... but regardless.... I am still here. 11 years ago I never imagined I would have the life I have today. I love the life I have today and I refuse to give it up for anything.
I have the BEST husband. I had a friend recently tell me that I married a "white buffalo". There is not better compliment than that. Paul has the patience of a saint. He loves me unconditionally. He loved me when I was at my thinnest and he loves me even though I am still carrying baby weight 2 1/2 years after having a baby. He works so hard so I can be home with our kids and I know he often wonders if he is working hard enough. He is a wonderful father and my best friend. In 9 1/2 years of marriage he has never raised his voice when speaking to me. I wish I could say the same on my side. I never imagined I'd marry someone who loves me so effortlessly and completely. I know he will never read this... but if he does... Paul, you are the most amazing man and I am so thankful to have you by my side.
Tonight we listened to the Christmas Devotional that our church broadcasts every year. I loved every word that was spoken. I sat on our couch and looked at our sweet Christmas tree and 4 hanging stockings and I had such a beautiful feeling come over me. Regardless of our trials. Regardless of how much money we will ever have to put into our home. Regardless of how much money we get to put into savings this upcoming tax return, regardless of whether or not we get to fence our back yard in the spring, regardless of whether Paul and I get to take our 10 year anniversary trip that we have been excited about... but realize it's probably going to have to be put off a few years because of our house, regardless of all of those things, I am SEALED to my family. I don't need a big house. I don't need granite counter tops. I don't need a house that has acres for my kids to run and play on. I NEED to be sealed to my family. I need to know that regardless of what life throws at me, my family is MINE and in the next life, I will know, without doubt, we will be together. I have found myself being very jealous of certain people around me. People who seem to be riding the easy train through life. Who know their actions are not what they should be and yet they are being blessed with things I will never in my life have. But what I do have is an eternal family. I cant take my cars or my house with me when I die. What I will have is my family.
I'm thankful that my bother John has been kept safe during his deployment. I'm thankful that his time away has been going by so quickly. I know he misses home and his little boy so much. I'm thankful that John was willing to serve our country and help us keep the freedoms we have.
I'm thankful for wonderful girlfriends. I wish they didn't live so far away. Girlfriends that I have known for years and years. One that I've had since high school, one since I lived in Idaho 10 years ago, one that divorced an old friend of mine and through that, her and I have been able to connect and a beautiful friendship has come from similar trials that we have both been through. Women who inspire me, uplift me, accept me for who I am and who love me unconditionally. You know who you are. Thank you for the role you each play in my life.
2020 is just around the corner. Like everyone else, or most at least, I have a list of things I want to change in my life. Letting go is number 1. Letting go of the jealousy I feel. Letting go of caring whether or not someone likes or me wants to be part of my life. Those who want to be in my life WILL be in my life. I want to work on improving my eating habits. Stop being an emotional eater and go back to the days when I'd fuel my body so I could live my best life. I want to grow my business and give back to our community by donating more pillowcases to little ones with cancer. I want to improve my friendships with the people in my life who mean so much to me but often become part of my "i'll message them tomorrow" cycle.
I'm thankful for SO many things this year. The Lord has blessed me in ways I was not aware of and it has taken me a few extra weeks to realize all that I have.
My mom and niece will be here TOMORROW (it's officially 1:32 am on monday morning) and they get to spend an entire week with us. My dad arrives the day after Christmas and will be here for a long weekend. I'm thankful that I get to spend most of December with family!
I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas! Please be safe as you travel. Slow down and remember that there area a lot of people on the roads and most of them are in a hurry for no good reason.
Happiest of Holidays everyone!!!!
EQ
I was able to travel to Utah ALONE so I could go through the Bountiful Temple with my sister. It was such a special moment and I'm so thankful I could be there!
getting the OK to proceed with my hysterectomy. PS, this pamphlet did NOT prepare me for surgery or recovery...
My uterus socks. I recently had someone ask if me I had ginger bread men on my socks. I said "no, they are my uterus' socks" The look on the womans face was priceless!
Me and Denny in high school
all love!
Dad's make the best pony's! At least my kiddos think so
John sitting on a sandy beach... probably wishing he was looking at the ocean. He is currently in Kuwait.
Levi is supporting Paul's Brazilian Jujitsu school. 2 1/2 more years until we can enroll Levi in BJJ
Afton was SO excited for halloween this year
my sweet Elsa!
Me, Paul and Olaf
FINALLY had family pictures taken this year
my sweet familt
We took Afton to her first movie. She loved Frozen 2! So did we, lol
this picture is how levi is most of the time. A VERY happy and content little guy
Afton at her Thanksgiving Day Thankful concert. Paul and I bet each other $10 that she would not last 5 seconds on stage and we BOTH lost! She proved us wrong and stayed up there the ENTIRE time. Shocked is not the right word for how we felt, lol
If there was a meme to describe how I felt about 2019... THIS IS IT! You can judge me for posting it. I judge myself a little... but I dont care,lol. It's the truth!
getting into the holiday spirit
My baby girl turned FIVE on December 4!!!!!
Throw pillow I made for my couch
My other throw pillow I made. Im excited to make these after the start of the new year and sell them as sets.
Newest addition to my business. I love how it turned out and I love that it's mine!
After is all ready for her Christmas concert
Paul's parents were able to make the drive over Afton Mountain to attend Afton's Christmas concert for her preschool !
My sweet girl. We made another $10 wager... and once again... we both lost! SHE DID AN AMAZING JOB!
My view last night as I was pondering life and realizing how many things I have to be thankful for this year!
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