Change is my only constant!

It's hard to believe that my last post was the week after thanksgiving. I feel like life has been a total blur over the past two months. It's February and I feel like the year is already slipping out from underneath my feet.  Let's see if I can catch myself up on everything that has happened recently....  Our baby girl is officially a toddler. She turned 2 on December 4 and we had a beautiful little party for her on the 3rd. We had close friends and some family there. Between her birthday and Christmas, Afton was given 7 baby dolls!!!!!  I feel like we live in an orphanage!!!!  She loves them all and spends most of her day feeding them and putting them to bed. She has one that stays in the car full time, 1 that is a bath baby so it camps out in our bathroom and her "Afton baby" sleeps with her and piggy every night. Afton had developed so much over the past year. She is so smart and SO sassy. She has a mean streak like nothing I ever thought I would experience. There are nights I call my mom bc I simply don't know how to handle her. Her language is finally starting to take off. Her newest words are taco, brownie, donut, I want one, all done.... those are the few that come to mind right now. We are working on no thank you and yes ma'am. At her 2 year appointment we were a little shocked to find out she has gone from the 90 something % from her 1 year appointment to the 20 something % to date. I remember her as a little bitty baby & people always told me she was going to be a "big girl". This girl is so tiny now!  I cannot wait to get her next to her cousin. Afton's short and Liliana is tall. At only 5 months apart, it's going to be a sight!  My mom was able to fly to VA for the party. We LOVED having her here for a few days. It was a very short visit but we will take any amount of time we can get with her. Afton has called my sister Mimi since forever and several months ago she started calling my mom Mimaw!!!  It's so cute to hear her say. Every single morning we have the exact same conversation... without fail!  Afton: Mimi??? Me: she is at school.  Afton: Mimaw??? Me: she is at school too.  Afton: daddy??? Me: he is at work.  Afton: oh no!!!! Me: that's exactly how they feel!   She has learned exactly where the hot dog counter is at SAMS club. When she decides it's time for a hot dog while we are shopping, it's like trying to keep the alien from going back to the mother ship!!!!!  Impossible.  She is extremely strong willed. She knows exactly what she wants and what she likes. She hates to eat but loves her fluids. This girl loves ice water and we have to keep a close eye on cups bc she wants to eat your ice. That's a no no for baby teeth. She LOVES to jump and dance and sing. Ohhhh mercy this girl loves to sing. We took away her paci a few weeks ago and that has been dramatic. She still uses it at nap and bed time though. Now that the paci (her wee) is gone, she is really working on perfecting the temper tantrum in the car.  Being a mom is hard. Being a mom to a toddler is EXTRA hard. This too shall pass. I love this sweet girl with everything that I am! Baby #2! The weekend after Thanksgiving, we went in for an elective ultrasound and found out we are expecting a BOY towards the end of May. There was no hiding the fact that he was... a he, lol. I knew going in that it was a boy... even though I really wanted another girl!  As the months have passed, we are so so excited we are having a little boy and so anxious to meet him. This pregnancy is flying by.  I am 25 weeks 3 days and for the past 4-5 weeks I have really been feeling good. I switched to a prenatal vitamin with iron and added an iron supplement and the difference in how I feel is amazing. Of course I'm still tired every day, but I don't feel this horrible fatigue in my muscles all the time. Paul has named this little guy Levi Samuel. He is measuring exactly on track with my due date and according to the ultrasound tech, he does not have an overly large head, lol. Bless him!!!  I have been wondering how big he will be on delivery day and I'm predicting he will be our heavy weight of the two kids. Afton was 7lb 12oz at 10 days late so I'm guessing he will be somewhere close to 8lbs but not 10 days late.   I've been trying to decide when to move Afton from her crib to her big girl bed. We originally planned on putting her in a full size bed right away but after a lot of thought and evaluating space, we settled on putting her in a twin bed instead. I don't want her to feel lost in her new bed... and it takes up less space. We have a wonderful store in our area where we can buy Amish built unfinished furniture, so we have a bed picked out and will buy it in the next month or two and stain it when the weather is nice. I have her new bedding purchased and am really excited to put everything together.  The past few weeks have been extra stressful for our little family. We had upstairs neighbors (that made us about go crazy) FINALLY move out. We were so excite at the idea of finally getting some sleep. Well, we spoke to soon when we voiced our excitement.... the new neighbors were 100 times worse. They moved in late one evening and night after night , they would tromp around the apartment until 4 am. We could not sleep and it was more than we could handle. We did not think it could get any worse... and then it did. They are the only people in the building that smoked... and all their friends smoked. So, the building smelled like an ash tray all the time. And then we started smelling marijuana. One morning (around 1 am) Paul finally walked upstairs to ask them to please keep it down. He was cussed at, called a liar and other racial slurs. He finally had to just walk away from the conversation. That was the breaking point for us. He spoke with our leasigng manager that next Sunday afternoon, and when he walked into the apartment from that chat, he announced we were moving into his parents house the NEXT morning. Saying it was an Emotional day for me is 100% an understatement. It was an emotional day for many, many, many reasons and the news of us moving SO quickly put me over the edge. I can honestly say though, that in the hardest of moments, people's true colors shine the brightest. I immediately called my dear friend Kelley and asked if she could please take Afton. There was zero hesitation. She drove into town and took her for 2 nights. It's the only way we were able to get packed and moved so quickly. Her husband dropped everything he has scheduled for work that day to help us move... again.  We are so so so thankful for this wonderful family who is ALWAYS there for us when we need them the most.  We have lived here for a week now and are finally settled in. I'm thankful I have a gift for organizing Bc organization is key when living in small spaces. Last time we lived here Afton was 5 months old. Now we will have a toddler & a newborn. It's a slow process Bc items I need to organize are not cheap... but it's coming together and I think it will work out just fine for the next 10-12 months. We have a goal of how much we want to save during our time here and once we hit that goal, we will begin the house hunt again. We feel it's important for Paul to not kill himself in overtime, And we know the best way to make that happen is to have an even bigger down payment on a home. I know that our current sacrifices will provide us with future blessings.  I'm sorry this post has been so long. That's the problem with not posting as often as I should. I hope the rest of winter treats everyone well. Spring will be here before we know it and then the summmer heat will be killing us all. It's all going to go by so quickly and I'm not ready for it yet. I'm trying to enjoy all of my 1 on 1 time with my little girl before her brother arrives and turns her world upside down. I'm so blessed though Bc my mom will be here for 4-5 weeks to help me figure out how to be a mom of two. Lots of fun things are in the works for this summer... JAMS motor competition, beach trip, mid Atlantic motor competition... just to name a few :). It's going to be fun!   EQ

2016 Thanksgiving Day letter

Dear Family and Friends,

I know I am a few days late.. .but... HAPPY THANKSGIVING!  Between preparing food for our yummy turkey dinner and wrangling our (nearly) 2 year old, the week was total chaos and I have not found a second to sit down with my laptop and express my thankfulness for the year I have been blessed with... and what a year it has been!!!

First I want to express how thankful I am for my amazing husband.  Paul and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary in July.  It has been the most amazing 6 years of my life.  I am thankful that we can still make each other laugh and our favorite thing to do is spend time with each other.  Years ago... I'm guessing 9... a dear friend of mine told me that at the end of the day, the person she enjoys being around the most is her husband.  At that time in my life, it did not make sense to me.  Now I understand what she meant.  Paul is my very favorite person.  He is my best friend, my partner, the best dad to my babies and the most amazing provider.  I am thankful every single day that I have eternity to spend with my sweet man.

I'm thankful for the 2 wonderful years I have been Afton's mommy.  I cannot believe she will be 2 on Sunday.  How in the world is that possible?  She is so incredibly sassy and full of energy.  She keeps me on my toes and by the end of the day I am worn out.  She is so beautiful and I know she is a very special daughter of God.  I'm thankful she is mine!

I'm thankful for this pregnancy.  After Afton's birth I very clearly remember looking at Paul and saying "I'm never doing this again".  I can honestly say I am very content with Afton being an only child and I feel very complete... but with that said... I am incredibly thankful for this added bonus that will join our family in May.I told Paul, after we had Afton, that if we had a 2nd baby, it would be because he felt impressed that we needed to add one more member to our family.  I'm thankful he was able to feel that impression and come to me with his feelings.  I cannot wait to meet baby Levi.  I cannot wait to spend those 2 days in the hospital snuggling with him and enjoying the mommy/son bonding that will come during that time.  I cannot wait to see Paul hold his son for the first time.  Levi Samuel, you are already loved so much.

I'm thankful for the memories I have been able to make this past summer.  I have had my toes in the sand in California and Virginia.  I have driven through more states than most people visit in a lifetime.  I have checked so many things off of my bucket list in just one short summer.  I have met amazing people, had amazing bonding time with my sister and sweet niece, made beautiful memories with my mom that will last a lifetime, I have stayed up late chatting with my dad in his living room and realizing that I'm never too old to get advice from him.  I've had strep in the middle of summer for the first time and I had my first 3 nights away from Afton.  It has been a magical summer and I'm thankful for everyone I was able to spend it with!

I'm SO incredibly thankful for my Heavenly Father.  With all of the joy that 2016 has brought, there haven been plenty of moments that have been filled with tears and frustration.  In February, we came to the incredibly sad realization that our dream of moving out West would not be happening and we needed to start making arrangement to settle our family in Virginia.  I'm thankful for the counsel my Mom gave Paul while we were in Utah, dealing with the sudden realization that our plan was not the Lord's plan.  In June, we experienced a miscarriage.  That was such a humbling experience to go through.  It made me feel like I could connect with so many more women out there who had gone through the same thing.  I was in Utah at the time and Paul was in Virginia.  I'm thankful that even with the distance between us, we could still lean on each other for support.  I'm thankful that Heavenly Father was there with us during those difficult moments... even if I felt totally broken and did not necessarily feel his presence at moment the trial was happening.  Looking back, I know he was right there beside us.

I have so much to look forward to in 2017.  We will be buying a house and moving to one of our neighboring counties, Levi will be joining our family, 2 motor competitions for Paul and I am sure we will figure out how to fill up the rest of the year.  I KNOW I am blessed.  We put up our Christmas tree last night and did some minimal decorations in our living room.  It's amazing how a little tree, covered with lights, can bring so much joy and such a beautiful spirit into our tiny apartment.  I'm thankful for the holiday season.  Being able to focus on the birth of our Savior and being able to focus on the upcoming birth of my own son.

Happy Holidays dear friends and family!

EQ

Excited!!!!!

Paul and I are SOOOO excited to announce we are expecting our second baby.  We could not be happier knowing we will have a new little one in our home come June 2017.  This pregnancy has been similar and different from my first.  I am having bad headaches again this time around but I do not have the food aversions or the horrible vomiting like I did with Afton.  I have moments when I am so tired I cannot hardly function and then I'll go days not needing naps and feeling really good.

Baby Quillon is due May 26 and the doctor has already told me they will probably induce me on my due date if I am not making good progress the checkup before my due date.  Those were sweet words to hear.

I will write more when I am into my 2nd trimester and we know what we are having.  Probably in January.  I hate that they make you wait so long before finding out!

EQ

NYC/MISSOURI trips!

Oh my gosh, what a summer it was!!!!  Pauls working an overtime assignment right now and Afton's sound asleep so there is no time like the present to talk about my end of summer trips!

Mom came to VA and we drove to NYC!    

Last summer, we found out that the 2016 9/11 foundation memorial ride would most likely be the last due to cooperation issues between the foundation and VA hwy patrol. For 5 years I have told Paul I wanted to see them ride into downtown NYC and I'd 2016 was the last year, I was going!!!  I called my mom and  jokingly asked if she wanted to come with me. Not really expecting a "yes". To my surprise she was SO excited about the trip and the planning started. I was thrilled to find out that mom did not have to start school until the very end of August so she came to VA for 3 wonderful weeks!!! We started her visit with a mother/ daughter trip to VA beach. It's about 3 1/2 hours from us so we left early in the morning and came home late that evening. It rained while we were there so we hunkered down under our beach umbrella and enjoyed listening to the rain and the waves. I ended up buying a sweatshirt bc it was quite cool that day. After the beach we worked on ironing our our NYC plans and finishing up a lot of little projects I had been working on. Through all of this my mom kept complaining she did not feel well. We stocked up on cold medicine for her and vitamin c for Paul and I but we ended up catching her crud. Finally after a week of all of us doing nothing but getting worse, Paul took himself to prompt care only to find out he had strep.... Mom and I immediately loaded ourselves and Afton into the car and headed to prompt care. Sure enough... Mom and I had strep too. Of all the things my mom could have brought from Utah,  strep was not one I would have picked!  Thank goodness for antibiotics, we all healed just in time for our trip. 

My sweet friend Kelley took Afton while mom and I were gone and it was a life saver!!!!!!!!  I honestly don't think we would have had the trip we did with a toddler in tow. 

In NYC we went to the 9/11 memorial and museum, Statue of Liberty, Ellis island, Empire State Building, Serendipity for ice cream and saw fiddler on the roof on Broadway!! This was definitely a "bucket list " vacation. I'm so so thankful I got to experience all of these amazing things with my mom. 

Mom and I had an amazing time in VA Beach right after she arrived.  We were anticipating warmer weather, but you can probably tell by my sweatshirt... it was not quite as warm as we thought it would be.  We found a beach umbrella for sale as we were walking to the beach so we bought it and we were SO thankful for it because when it started to rain, we were able to hunker down under our umbrella and still have a wonderful time! It was one of the most relaxing days I had all summer.  Being able to bury my toes in the sand and listening to nothing but the waves coming in was exactly what I needed that day.  One thing I love about my mom is that we don't need to be surrounded by noise all the time.  We are pretty good at knowing when the other simply needs a moment of silence.  

Oh my word... Afton had a great time with her Maw Maw while she was here!  Mom taught her all of the important thing in life... like how to talk to Suri and why it's important to always lick the spatula when you are baking!  During one of our MANY JoAnn Fabric runs, Afton was struggling.... to say the least... so mom put her in the bin outside of the store.  A man walked by and said he would not pay $9.99 for her b/c she looked too mean!!!!  hahahahaha.  

We had a few rough moments during the visit.  Mom got off of her plane, got into my car and within the first few minutes of our drive home she was complaining that her throat was hurting.  Convinced it was just allergies or a cold, we loaded up on all of the over the counter stuff we could find.  Nothing helped her.  Instead, Paul and I both started to feel sick.  After about a week of the three of us feeling gross, Paul went to urgent care to get checked out and sure enough... he had strep.  Mom and I grabbed Afton and headed to urgent care too and found out that ALL of us had strep. Well, not Afton.  She ended up with a horrible sinus infection and ear infection about a week later.  

Mom brought Afton a tent when she came to visit. She made one for both of the little girls.  Afton loves it!!!  I cannot wait until we have room in our next home to keep it set up all the time.  I'm so blessed to have a mom who has so much talent!  

At bed time, Afton would crawl into bed with Mom and they would talk and sing and laugh.  It was so fun to listen to.  They have such a sweet bond.  

New York was AAAMMMAAAZZZIIINNNNGGGG!!!!!!  My sister and I were planning on going next summer, but it is going to have to wait util the summer after.  Mom and I had the BEST time!  It was truly a trip of a lifetime.  I always hear people talk about seeing the world... I dont need to see the world.  There are so many wonderful things to see right here in the USA!!!  I cannot wait to return to the Big Apple!  Thanks Mom for being the person I made these wonderful memories with!

FOOD!!!!!!!  Oh my gosh NYC has amazing food!  I can honestly say, of all the things we ate, my favorite thing was the $1.00 hotdog from some little hotdog stand!  I have ALWAYS wanted to buy a hotdog in NYC and that is exactly what we did!  This picture of my mom and I is priceless!  It really depicts our trip in one single picture!  

The 9/11 Memorial and Museum were spectacular.  The spirit I felt there was amazing.  When I first read that they were putting million and millions of dollars into this memorial, I assumed it was going to be over done and not needed.  Now that I have been to ground zero and touched the names that are on the walls around the fountains... my mine was changed.  Those who have survived this tragedy deserve this memorial.  Those who lost their lives deserve this memorial. Seeing where families or friends have placed flowers on some of the names made me realize that this is a place for people to come and mourn and remember those who were taken from us.  I cannot wait to take Afton to this memorial when she is old enough to understand what happened that day.  

My mom has had one huge thing on her bucket list her entire life. That was to see the Statue of Liberty.  What an amazing day that was for us.  We did not do a good job when it came to thinking the day through.  We walked from our hotel to Liberty Park and when we realized we needed to walk all the way back, we suddenly became aware of the fact that we could have driven to Liberty Park and just parked out car!!!  lol.  Oh my gosh we felt so dumb at that moment.  It was so hot and we were so tired and I was a weeeeee bit sunburned.  I wont say exactly how we got back to our hotel... but we did not have to walk and it was a blessing!  Mom and I both came away from that experience with a renewed thankfulness for our citizenship and the fact that we did not have to endure what those men and women had to all those years ago.  

Mom and I went to see Fiddler on the Roof on Broadway!  It was WONDERFUL!!!!!!  It is one of our all time favorite plays and being able to see it live was such an amazing experience.  We had outstanding seats.  I found myself singing through the entire play.  Before the play started we had dinner at the Stardust Diner. If you ever have a chance to go, it's so much fun.  All of the waiters are aspiring broadway actors.  They take turns singing broadway numbers.  I'll definitely go again!

The M&M store was a lot of fun to wonder through and pick out the little girls a couple cute things!

I have always wanted to go to Serendipity for their frozen hot chocolate.  I'm so thankful mom talked me into it when I was saying it would be too expensive and too far of a walk.  It was so much fun and oh my gosh the servings are HUGE!!!!!

By the time we made it through the line and to the top of the Empire State Building it was raining.  I was extremely reluctant to go outside onto the balcony but mom drug me out there and said we did not come all this way to stay inside.  The view was spectacular.  

The reason we went to NYC was because Paul was escorting the 9/11 Foundation Memorial Ride.  This is the 15th year of the ride and we have been told that it is quite possibly the last year.  When we were told this last fall, I told Paul I was not going to miss this experience. I called mom and asked if she wanted to come with me and she was so excited!  I still cannot believe we actually went.  It was amazing to see the thousands of motorcycles ride into downtown NYC that night.  I was so proud to watch my sweet husband doing what he loves and doing something that so few offices have the opportunity to participate in!  The 9/11 Foundation motorcycle is being put in the 9/11 memorial museum and Paul was asked to be one of only a handful of officers to sign it.  I am so proud to know that we can take our children there in the future and they can see their dads name on this piece of history.  I could not be more proud!

Afton and I ended the summer with a trip to Missouri to see my dad and brother.  We were there for a week and had a wonderful time.  

I was able to grab takeout from my very favorite fast food place in St. Louis.  I'd kill to have a Crazy Bowls and Wraps in VA!  It was so fun giving Afton the chance to get to know my dad and brother better.  It took her a little bit but she warmed up to them pretty quickly. 

John took us out on his boat.  I call it the Dingy.  Its a tiny little thing but we had the most wonderful time.  We fished and spent the day just relaxing.  The pictures do not do the day justice.  It was absolutely beautiful.  

We had lunch with my mom's siblings and some cousins in Hannibal, MO the Sunday before I left.  We stopped by the cemetery to give Erin some fresh flowers.  It was wonderful to see Afton being so sweet while we were there.  She kept walking up to Erin's headstone and patting it and rubbing it.  It's almost as if she knew who we were there to see.  Maybe she did!

I had some free time while Dad worked so I made him some chili for his freezer and a fall and christmas wreath.  He is not much of a decorator so I knew he would not go out and buy a wreath on his own, lol.  I do my best to make him a little less grinch when it comes to the holidays!

Afton enjoyed her first experience with bubbles at Johns.  She LOVED them!  It was so fun to see her interacting with John and really having  a good time!!!!!!!!

This summer has been so busy.  I have driven through:

Utah

Arizona

Nevada

California

Maryland

Delaware

New Jersey

New York

Virginia

West Virginia

Indiana

Kentucky

Illinois 

Missouri

I have had my feet in the Atlantic and Pacific oceans and have literally been from one coast to the other.  This has been a summer of firsts and I cannot express how much fun I have had during these adventures!  

I hope you summer was full of wonderful memories too!

EQ

21 months and life

Afton turned 21 months old 2 days ago. 3 months until my baby girl is TWO!!!  I cannot believe it. She keeps me on my toes. She can be the sweetest princess one minute and a mean little thing the next. Paul and I call her a sour patch kid. Her favorite words are mom, thank you & shoe. She loves the 

A: "mom"

Me: "what?"

A: "mom" 

Me: "what?"

Game. We play it for hours some days. Favorite foods are: cold oatmeal, hot dogs, nuggets, lasagna, Mac and cheese, and cereal. She hates: all juices, pancakes and wearing shoes. She is in love with her baby dolls and her bouncy pony. She has a little training potty that she carries all over the apartment (we don't use it yet). She LOVES lotion and freaks out if you take it away from her. She gives the best kisses and has the most impressive death stare. She has worn the same size diaper for almost a year and is finally growing out of a few of her 12-18 month clothes. She LOVES to take a bath and is obsessed with washing her feet. She walks Harley with Paul almost every night. She is still sleeping from 8:30 pm until around 9:00 am. Her afternoon naps have shortened from 3 solid hours to 2 ish. I'm not ready for her to grow out of afternoon naps. Her hair is seriously soooo beautiful. She has such pretty blonde curls. 

I love this little girl. She wears my patients extremely thin some days, but I am incredibly thankful that I get to stay home with her during the day. 

We were given a referral from our pediatrician to have a speech therapist come in to evaluate Afton. About 6 weeks ago they came and did a 3 hour long eval and we were told that she is talking more on a 9-12 month old level. She was using roughly 5 words and was not stacking blocks more than 2 high. Now, 6 weeks later I am VERY pleased with her progress. She is using approximately 25 words on a daily basis. My mom was here for 3 weeks and working with her every single day. She is now stacking blocks 7 high before she knocks them over. She loves building "mountains". The speech therapist uses Afton's baby dolls a lot during our sessions since Afton's is always willing to engage when it come to swaddling and rocking her babies. It's a sight!!!! Our goal is 30 words by the time she turns 2 and I am really confident we will exceed that goal!!!  

Tomorrow I am going to try to get some pictures of Afton. She will not sit still to save my life so getting non action pictures are darn near impossible. 

Paul has been incredibly busy at work and now that football season has officially started.... I'll see my husband sometime around thanksgiving. Lol. Life as an LEO wife is not all glitter and rainbows at times. But I'm still SO proud of my man and incredibly thankful that he is willing to work as hard as he does to support our little family. 

If you read my previous blog, you know that I have been in a really sad place over the past several months. I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I have put faith in places where faith is lacking and I have a "God, prove to me that you hear me" attitude. Paul and my journey to add a second baby to our family has been incredibly sad and discouraging. Over the past few months I have been pretty open with our journey but for now I am choosing to be fairly private. If you have dealt with infertility, miscarriages and fertility treatments (of any kind), you will probably understand why I'm keeping things private. 

I am finding peace in areas of my life that have not been at all peaceful recently. I am working through the sadness that comes with knowing my family will always live farther away than I would like. They are my support. They are my dearest friends. They are the people I love the most. But... With that said... I am looking forward to forming friendships with people here in VA. Paul works with wonderful men and they have amazingly wonderful wives. I look forward to forming relationships with them. I am  excited to start house hunting this winter. We still have our eye set on Waynesboro and I feel a sense of peace when I am there. We will see where the wind blows us. I know that I have wonderful things to look forward to in the future. 

EQ 

Letting go

https://youtu.be/Y106mukKlMU

Take a minute to watch the video that I linked above. 

Letting go has always been a difficult task to undertake. I have moved 20+ times over the past 33 (as of Thursday) years. If you have been uprooted that many times, you understand when I say I have a habit of hanging on to a few things that remind me of places that I have called "home". I have a clothes pin doll that my mom kept on a shelf in our living room when we lived in Wisconsin. It now resides on the bookshelf in Afton's bedroom. I have the cedar jewelry box my dad made for my mom years ago that she moved from place to place and always kept on her dresser. I have a picture that my brother sent me for my 17th birthday of the San Francisco skyline and it has hung on a wall in every place I have lived since that birthday. I don't own much... But the things I do own have a lot of value. These are things I will never let go of. 

With that said, with every move and every major change in my life, I have had to let go of something. During my divorce I let go of a lot. I let go of friendships that were the center of my life. I let go of pictures, Christmas decoration, clothes, furniture and years of memories. In order to move forward in a positive direction, those things needed to be let go of. 

Letting go has and will always give me huge anxiety. What if I make the wrong decision? 

Several months ago I made an extremely difficult decision to let go of a friendship that meant a lot to me. This was the friend I called every single day. We would solve all of our problems together. We talked about babies and our husbands and what our hopes and dreams were for the future. Unfortunately, mixed into the wonderfulness that was our friendship, there were conversations about our church and the way we raise our children and our role as women in our homes that were extremely dark and unsettling. For months I would think about the things she would tell me and I often found myself on the phone with my mom, picking apart the most recent "what???" Conversation.... And at the end of every chat with my mom or with Paul, I always had the same impression... "Let go of the friendship". I prayed that her feelings on certain topics would change...but they not only didn't change, they became more and more bizarre. Finally the day came when I knew what I needed to do and I let go of that friendship. I can honestly say I have felt a huge void since that day. I know that I made the right decision but I had always justified my friendship with her by saying "a friend that makes me uncomfortable is better than no friend". Unfortunately that was not the case. It has been a difficult void to fill. 

In 2010 I married my sweet husband. I left Missouri and relocated to Virginia. I'll never forget a few weeks after our wedding, Paul had returned to work and I went for a walk around our neighborhood. I called my mom in tears and expressed how unhappy I was in Virginia (regardless of how incredibly happy I was being a newlywed). Virginia was so different than anything I had known. I'm a Midwestern girl. I love the mixture of green and wide open spaces. I have always felt very claustrophobic in Virginia. Soon after our wedding, Paul and I began talking about the idea of

moving out west when he retired. That conversation soon turned to "if we want to do it in 30 years, why not now?"  All of a sudden our plans for the future changed and I was overjoyed at the idea of leaving Virginia and once again enjoying open spaces!  Over the past 6 years, we have flown Paul out west several times for interviews and every single time, it did not work out. Throughout the process of trying to relocate our family, I watched my sister graduate from college and accept a job in Utah. I then watched my mom retire from teaching in Missouri and relocate to Utah. I was witnessing my dreams come to pass in other people's lives. I took it as a sign though that we were destined to be out there. We were both sure of it... And yet, every time we tried, the answer was no. 

You are probably wondering what this has to do with "letting go"...  Well, over the past year, I have been holding onto this dream. I see my mom, sister and niece living so damn far away and it makes me physically ill at times. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for understanding and have yet to feel like my prayers are being heard. I see the beautiful relationship that my daughter has with my mom and it breaks my heart to know my mom will not be there for all of Afton's concerts, sporting events, etc. and it makes me extremely angry that I am so limited in how often I will see Lily. 

I have come to realize that I will be on VA until I die or until Jesus comes... Whichever comes first. With that realization comes the unfortunate reality that I have to let go of this dream that I have been so tightly holding onto of moving to Utah and being within a reasonable driving distance of the women who are so important to me. I HAVE to let go of that dream and begin focusing on establishing roots in VA.  I have felt extremely alone over the past year. My life as a SAH mom consists of keeping my soon to be toddler alive & housework... Wash, rinse, repeat... I have never been one to beg someone to be my friend and bc of that I have very few friends. I have watched myself slip into a terrible funk and as I have watched this dream of ours slip further and further away, I have become more and more angry. I have been angry with myself and angry with God. 

The video I posted gave me a little piece of hope. I can no longer live in this constant sadness, I cannot mourn over the fact that my favorite people live so far away. It's amazing how depression can affect your day to day life. At night I battle insomnia (12:45 am right now), during the day I am so exhausted I cannot function. My mind feels so cluttered with anger and destructive thoughts, I have been having bad chest pains and I feel like I have 1 leg stuck to the floor and I do nothing but walk in a circle. 

I'm thankful for FaceTime. I'm thankful I get to "see" my family as often as I want. I'm thankful half of my family is within a 1 day drive and the other half is a 1/2 day flight away. 

I was recently counseled that sometimes you need to go through life having blind faith.... So, that's what I'm doing. I'm going through life with blind faith that we are in VA for some reason and that I will be able to fill the voids that I currently have in my life. I KNOW that God loves me... Even if I don't always feel it and I KNOW I am blessed to have a husband who loves me and who truly looks forward to coming home every day to Afton and me. 

Moving on (it will be a slow process) and letting go (no matter how angry it makes me). 

EQ

This beautiful life that I can call MINE!!!

I feel terrible that I have not posted an update in a LONG time!  So much has been happening this summer.  I'm having to split our summer up into several blogs b/c no one wants to read a ridiculously long post, lol.  So... here we go!

Afton will be 20 months old tomorrow!!! I cannot believe it.  She is SOOOO fun!  I truly believe she is the coolest tiny person!  Here is a little bit about Afton right now. 

Loves: apples, bananas, mac and cheese, hot dogs, nuggets, cantaloupe, milk, caf free diet coke, pb&j.  

Hates: green beans, juice, ketchup... ok... most foods in general

She loves to jump and spin in a circle until she falls over.  She climbs on EVERYTHING, she loves to facetime with my mom, sister and niece, she has found a love for the words "mom, momma, mommy", she loves bath time, she sleeps about 12 hours a night, her hair is still incredibly curly and i love love love it! She has started nursery at church.  She loves being in the pool.  She is not a fan of being confined to a stroller.  She finds it funny when she screams at the top of her lungs while I am on the phone in the car.  She is NOT a morning person.  She sings all the time.  Every time she sees police lights she thinks it's daddy, lol.  Every morning she gets out of her crib and immediately finds Harley to give him a hug and a kiss.  

This little girl is crazy fast and all I can do is laugh when she takes off running and her curls are bouncing behind her!   

July 9th was Paul and my 6th wedding anniversary.  Its crazy to think we have been married for 6 years already.  This past year has been an interesting year for us.  We spent the majority of the past year living with Paul's parents.  During that time we did a lot of soul searching as to where we wanted to raise our family and to finally call home.  Paul interviewed with our "dream department" this past February in Idaho and it was a total bust.  The interview went really well and they really liked him... but for whatever reason, they did not feel like Paul would be happy spending the rest of his career with their department.  There are so many things Paul would have to give up to go to another department.  2 of the biggest changes would be that he would have to come off of the motor and start from square one with seniority.  He would also have to give up teaching.  He loves teaching at the academy and this department would not offer him the chance to continue teaching.  I remember when Paul called me after that interview.  I felt like I had been hit by a semi.  For years, we have both felt that we were to relocate our family out West.  We have prayed about it and taken it to the Temple and BOTH felt the confirmation that we were making the right decision. For whatever reason, Heavenly Father has plans for us in VA.  It may simply be that we live in a time when Police are being targeted and we have agreed that we feel fairly safe in his current PD.  Over the past few years, we have traveled for several job interviews and each time we feel the same way... "this is not the place" but this last interview was different.  We felt great about it but we were told in other ways that "this is not the place".  It was a heart breaking moment for both of us.  It left us feeling very confused and I felt very abandoned by our Heavenly Father.  We came home to VA with the feeling of "what next???".  Well, we have decided that our job search is over and that the time has come to plant some roots here in VA.  Albemarle County is incredibly expensive, so we have decided to look at houses in Augusta County this upcoming winter/spring.  The lease on our apartment is up the end of April and we would really like to start putting money into a home instead of rent.  We miss owning our own home and our goal is to have a home paid off by the time Paul retires.  

This past year has given Paul and I a chance to grow closer together as a couple and I look forward to the next year of our marriage.  

Afton is growing and changing every single day.  She is constantly learning something new and it amazes me how quickly she picks up on my day to day tasks.  Something she really enjoys doing is dusting.  I told my mom the other night that I fear Afton is going to be a little OCD.  She is going to have a post it note addiction just like my dad and she is going to be a clean freak!  I wont lie, I will never deter my child from dusting.  She can dust all day long if that's what makes her happy!  The other day we were in a department store and she was begging for a baby wipe. Paul finally gave her one and she walked around wiping down the tiles on the floor, ha ha.  What a nut!  A little over a week ago she decided she would unplug our freezer.... as you can see in the picture above, everything in the freezer thawed and had to be throw out!  Sigh.  You live and you learn!  Thank goodness Sams is not too far away!

Afton finds it funny that she can "sneak" snacks into our shopping cart by putting them on the bottom shelf of the cart.  She wanted all of the cookies from Target, lol.  

Recently she has loved the smell of Paul's shirts.  She will find one in the laundry or pull one out of his drawer and walk around smelling it.  If I try to take it from her, she fusses until I give it back.  I remember being really little and sleeping in my dad's t shirts when he would go out of town on business.  I hope Afton finds the same sense of comfort sleeping in Paul's t shirts as she gets older. 

Dad gave me a new fitbit for my birthday this year!  I lost mine while we were moving in April and I needed a kick in the pants to start walking again.  Dad thought this would do the trick!  Thanks Dad!!!!  You are the BEST!  

Afton has figured out the art of dressing herself.  It may not make sense to me, but she things she is pretty fancy!  She loves to find her swimming suits and put them on like a cape and walk around.  Silly girl...

No matter what we told her, we could not convince her that she was too little to go to the Police Academy.  She put on her daddy's boots and tried to tell us that she was big and ready to go!  She could not be any sweeter.  

I took her to a splash pad a couple weeks ago and she had a great time!  I'm thankful our community is so child friendly.  Especially on extremely hot days!!!!!

Afton and I went to Utah a few weeks ago and spent 1 week of our vacation in California with the other Stone girls.  I snapped this picture of Afton holding my fingers.... I am so lucky to have the love of such an amazing little girl.  She trusts me with her life and I would give mine for her.  I look at her and still cannot believe she is mine. I remember before I got pregnant.... I told Heavenly Father all the time "If you give me just 1 baby, I will feel complete".  That is exactly how I feel.  Paul and I would love 1 more baby now that Afton is a little older... but... if we are never blessed with a 2nd, I truly feel 100% complete.  A 2nd baby would be an incredible bonus to an already perfect little family!

OH MY GOSH I LOVE THIS MAN!  I do not know how I got so lucky to be his wife. Paul is honestly one of the kindest men I have ever known.  He would do anything for me and he would do anything for Afton.  He loves spending time with us and he is so happy when he comes home from work and watches Afton run to him when she sees him.  I love being married to this handsome fella!!!!  

I swear I could take pictures of this little girl all day long.  She is so fun and I adore catching the different parts of her personality.  I cannot believe she will be 20 months old tomorrow. She will be 2 before I know it.  I need to go ahead and stock up on the klenex b/c I know that will be a day full of smiles and tears!  

I hope everyone is having a fantastic summer!  It's been so hot in VA and I'm sure it's the same all over the country.  

EQ